I love the song How To Be A Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds. Lyrics like ‘Rule number 1, is that you gotta have fun, but baby when you’re done, you gotta be the first to run’ remind me of the teenage version of myself as it related to boys. Though, I didn’t do any of this ‘heartbreaking’ for the right reasons.
I always felt that boys would hurt me, that all they wanted was sex and after they’d leave. For me, to love any of them meant to hurt. I figured if my dad didn’t love me, why would any other male, and for years this kept me on a winding, loveless and often lonely path. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my father for my choices, but living with the alternative, allowed me to see the value of having an attentive, loving father.
Rule 1: Watch them fall & step out of the way.
Rule 2: Don’t fall for anyone.
Rule 3: Always leave first.
Sure I liked people, but love was a different story. I’d listen to accounts from girlfriends at the time about guys they dated, or were in relationships with and couldn’t really contribute, because I was the one who wasn’t calling, I was the one who was ‘playing the field’, I was the one who was being torn apart inside.
There was a big problem with this seemingly foolproof logic of mine, though maybe if I was doing all these things because I genuinely wanted to, or felt they were right, it would have been okay. But, I was walking away because I felt if I didn’t, I’d regret it. To me, giving in was one of the biggest mistakes I could make at that time in my life. The thing was though, all this pseudo-protection got me nowhere, as I was constantly hurt and badly. Every time I was negatively labelled, each time I was proven right about a guy’s real intentions, every time I told myself it was all okay because, ‘who would love me anyway’?
I didn’t share these hurts with others and kept them bottled, wearing fake confidence instead. Going cold when necessary and numb to the words that after a while, started to define me. This wasn’t a good time in my life, and it showed.
As karma would have it Ironically, the first time I fell in love, really in love, my heart didn’t just get broken, it got crushed into the dirt. The third time though, well, that was way better.
What I learnt:
1) How to get past some of my daddy issues.
2) Being in love can be a pretty amazing feeling.
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